~Untitled~

#let me interrupt your dash with the most heartbreaking moment...

Mon, 04 Jun 2012 15:47:42 -0400

#let me interrupt your dash with the most heartbreaking moment in television

Immortal

Sun, 13 May 2012 22:55:17 -0400

Oh, hey there Tomorrow, look who finally showed. Been waiting for maybe a lifetime or so. Remember that Beauty you told me to chase? Funny, how cute, well it laughed in my face. He delivered alright, yeah, plenty of Pain. And gravity poured all your Law down the drain…

You taunt me, oh Time, and play with my mind. Oh my, how you wreak havoc on my mortal heart, and from the end insist on starting. Death was cured the day I died, it grew inside me my whole life. Life is lonely, my soul is old. Vintage as my hope in love immortal.

Oh, hey there Tomorrow, why not look me in the eye? Been waiting to tell if you’re Truth or a Lie. I shout at the heavens and sing to the stars a tune that I picked up from afar. It delivered, I’ll prove it I’ve got a scar right on the place where once you broke my heart…

You taunt me, oh time, and play with my mind. Oh my, how you wreak havoc on my mortal heart, and from the end insist on starting. Death was cured the day I died, it grew inside me my whole life. Life is lonely, my soul is old. Vintage as my hope in love immortal.

how much sympathy is it acceptable to expect?

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 20:29:51 -0400

I am in frickin excruciating pain right now - JUST LIKE EVERY DAY - and I don’t want to say anything because nobody likes that person who is always complaining, nobody wants to hear about the same problems over and over. It’s obnoxious. But right now I’m at my limit and - honestly - I just want someone to feel sorry for me. It’s childish. It’s selfish. AND it’s how I feel. I am in such insane pain every second of my existence. So how much sympathy is it acceptable to expect?

Salty.

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 21:33:00 -0400

You know, sometimes (not always, just when I’m feeling salty) I wish that you would experience this for just one day so you’d know how I feel. Not because I would want to inflict pain on someone else, not because you deserve it or because I want you to be in pain; just so you’d know. I think you might find that youd have a bit more respect for me…

Gaining Ground

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 16:27:35 -0400

Broken bridges, burned down walls
With each step I take, it seems I fall
Harder every time
Further the more I try

To catch ahold of some mirage
That taunts my soul, it breaks my heart
In pieces every time
Shattered, but still I try

I’m not there yet, by any means
It’s the broken beams of my world
Keep falling down.
Boy, I’m not ahead (or so it seems)
But I’m chasing dreams
Though the days are longer
And the nights keep getting harder

One step forward, two more back
How long will it take until I lose track
Of the tears we both have cried
Of the sleepless lonely, lonely nights?

But silence can’t explain the fog
And sadness tells no truth at all
So I press harder every time
I get further, the more I try

I’m gaining ground
I’m gaining ground
I’m gaining ground
I’m gaining ground

I’m not there yet, by any means
It’s the broken beams of my world
Keep falling down.
Boy, I’m not ahead (or so it seems)
But I’m chasing dreams
And my prayers are longer
I’m trying harder

This is a letter to my future. I’m going to keep tweaking it as a song, but this is the general gist.

sick.

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 23:18:53 -0400

So the truth is, I’m sick.
The other truth is, I need help.
And another other truth is, I can’t ask for it.

This is beyond melancholy.
It’s also beyond my control.
And that’s what scares me.

If I’m not in control of my emotions, my thoughts, my feelings, is there anything I can grasp? Honestly?

I can’t have fun. I can’t enjoy myself. I can’t create, or contribute, because I’m trapped. I’m trapped underneath this cold layer of ice, pinning me down.

The truth is, I’m scared. I really am. I need you now, God.

I’ll love you in life, I will love you in death. If ever I loved you, my Jesus, ‘tis now.

well thats nice.

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 15:28:03 -0400

Well that’s sweet. Thanks for telling me. Thanks for keeping me informed. Thanks for valuing the time and heart I put into all this…means alot.

#irony

Please Just Go Away.

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 22:52:15 -0400

I’m wracking my brain trying to come up with some sort of solution. Trying to figure out something that will take the pain away. Some sort of distraction. Anything. Please….

But inside I just keep shaking my head to each suggestion. It’ll never work. It won’t make me feel better. This ridiculous pain, this throbbing of the heart, it won’t go away. I can’t escape it, I can’t distract myself from it, I can’t cover it up or disguise it. Not right now anyway. It’s too sharp. It’s like a knife in my heart, tearing me up, a raw, wrenching pain in my gut.

God help me.

Maybe its the caffeine

Sun, 11 Mar 2012 16:09:00 -0400

or maybe I’m ~~Bypolar~~. Whatever the case, I’m in a great mood today.

I spend all last night crying, got nowhere near enough sleep, and yet today I’m walking on air. Thank you, my God…

For the first time in a LONG time, I’ve started seeing these dreams and ambitions for my life that can only include being single. Lately it’s been hitting me that it seems like all of my dreams, passions, talents, etc. all revolve around being a wife and mother. I don’t particularly care to have a carreer. I love cooking, sewing, creating, organizing, and LOVING. I am a talented chef; I specialize in comfort foods. I love children, but not just in the ‘babies are so cute’ phase that every girl goes through….I really honestly love them. I want to have a baby so bad, but the real thing is, ever since I was a little girl I’ve felt called to foster care adoption. I want to take in the children that are ~~lost and hurting, neglected, forgotten~~; I want to give them a real, proper home with a mother and dad, with a hope and a future. I’ve always felt that calling on my heart. And in order to make that happen, I need a husband…
*Cue tall, dark, Christian young man with a stable job who wants to adopt kids*

Anybody? Anybody?

Okay…..

Guess I’ll just sit around and wait then. Try to better myself in the mean time, get good at making chicken noodle soup and practice controling my temper.

Or how about not? How about all those other dreams I had? How about that restaurant I was going to open? How about that kids theater I was going to start? All those musicals I was going to direct? What about all those songs I wrote, the ones I still need to record. What about the road trip accross America, the camping in the woods, the appartments and mission trips and no mortgage payments and college and books to read and books to write and instruments to learn and all that LIFE I was going to live? All of a sudden I find myself wanting to say “HOLD OFF ON THE YOUNG CHRISTIAN MAN, GOD, I GOT PLANS!”

I know this feeling won’t last long. Maybe as early as tomorrow I’ll be depressed and sluggish again. But at least now I know. I have something to want, something to plan for. I will break free.

oh hey.

Sun, 11 Mar 2012 00:25:31 -0500

Why do we let people disappoint us, anyway?

WELL, there goes my faith in mankind. *waves bye bye*

I keep telling myself not to trust you. Why don’t I follow my own advice?

First shock. Then pain. Now numbness.

And then, I’ll forget. I’ll trust you again. Just like always.

Setting myself up for heartache, of course.

All in a days work.

Colors (in the air)

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 23:46:38 -0500

If you can taste colors on your tongue
If you hear a symphony sweet
Let it come, Let it come

If you can stand tall, life your hands to the sky
If life you can reach, Don’t you dare pass it by
Pass it by

Remember, now, when the day is clear
How it felt when hope was as clear
As a heartbeat, a spoken prayer
The colors in the air

If you know the words, sing them out loud
If you know the steps, girl dance you way through the crowd
Don’t slow down, Don’t slow down.

Remember, now, when the day is clear
How it felt when hope was as clear
As a heartbeat, a spoken prayer
The colors in the air
Remember while your heart is free
What it meant to exist, to be
When the sun rose without fail
The colors in the air

Apparently that happens.

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 22:52:56 -0500

Music? Where’d you go bud…please get back into my life.
I made a chair. Well, I painted it and make a new cushion. That’s a start.
Lyrics haven’t been coming to me lately. My emotionally creativity is zero. This is no good. This is a bad sign.

Later, I’ll write a song about all this. Not right now. Never when I’m still stuck. But later, I will. Some time, when I can see more clearly than I can now, the Words will flow out of me, painting a picture of the hurt and triumph that shocks even me. Some time….I’ll see…

ABSTRACT.

Everything is abstract. I’m abstract. You’re abstract. Life is abstract.

Maybe this seems completely random and unrelated. Truth is, the random, abstract things in life are the only things that feel real anymore.

i have nothing to say.

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 18:23:00 -0500

A Deep Thinker.

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 00:06:00 -0500

Amanda Leigh Dasher Is:

A Deep Thinker. Prone not only to entertaining an unusual amount of philisophical ponderings but to applying the outcomes of her musing to everyday life.

One Bought at a Price, Paid in True Love.

A Quiet Spirit…who has heard a great symphony. A quiet spirit listens, and perceives, rather than making noise and demanding to be heard. A quiet spirit is both restless and at peace. A quiet spirit hears, and wants to understand.

A Creation. Beautiful, and intentional.

The Tide. Ever changing, always the same.

A Creative Mind. A creative type.

A Silly Heart. The silly hearted are prone to laughter and appreciate sarcasm. They are easily amused and difficult to discourage. They look for the light in dark hearts the hidden joy on dreery days.

Hidden Strenght.

An Old Soul…in a young body, who sees life for more than the present moment and seeks understanding beyond the obvious.

A Minor-Keyed Melody.

uh oh.

Fri, 18 Nov 2011 17:52:03 -0500

The past couple days I’ve been feeling like I’m getting depressed again….

I don’t know why I would be…
Maybe there doesn’t have to be a reason.

God help me.

Gravity

Fri, 18 Nov 2011 17:50:39 -0500

Flinging words up through the atmosphere
Into the air
We whisper our deepest heart cry
And wait as they sail into the night

Gravity, It’s hold on me
It’s hold on me
A tragedy, It would be
It would be

To puncture the sky blue
Oh, that they would reach you
Hold your breath as they continue on
Untouched by our laws

Gravity, its hold on me
Its hold on me
A tragedy, it would be
It would be!
Will they fall back down
To the ground, to the ground
Where we kneel still
Something in us swears they will
We kneel still

How far from my heart to the stars?

Gravity, its hold on me
Its hold on me
A tragedy, it would be
It would be!
Gravity

sky

Fri, 18 Nov 2011 17:42:59 -0500

It’s the moment you leave them behind
The scars that have haunted your entire life
It’s the breath that you take as the memories awake
To drown out the hope in your eyes

But through all the chaos, the hurt of nights past
I know I must decide

To turn my face to the future
Lift my eyes to the sky
Turn my back to the painful past
Lift my eyes to the sky

When darkness has swallowed up time
And the present is blurred by the tears in my eyes
I won’t be moved from your side
I won’t be dismayed by the thorn in my side

I melody stronger that echoes loud through my soul
Is why I must let go

And turn my face to the future
Lift my eyes to the sky
Turn my back to the painful past
Lift my eyes to the sky

life update

Sun, 16 Oct 2011 00:31:00 -0400

Yeah. So I’m really sick. And I’m really lonely. But I have hope. And I have some amazing friends. And my God is….well, God. So I’ll be okay.

I’ve been keeping a journal with letters, songs, prayers, etc to give to my husband some day. And I think I’ve written more in the past month than I had in the last year. Yeah. You’ve been on my mind a bit, darling.

It used to be when I thought about being in love with someone I would imagine the kind of personality traits I would need in a partner, like hard, stable character issues, not just trivial stuff. I would think about how I needed someone secure in himself, someone confident, and how he would be the leader for our family, and I would do my very best to honor and support him. And I’d think about baby names and what our house would look like and how we’d grow old together, get marriage councelling f we needed it, and pass on our secrets to the next generation. I never really thought about details.

And now all of a sudden I’m haunted by all these questions…there’s so much to relationships, I’m realizing. And now I want to know…what is your love language? Will you understand mine? And what about our appology languages? If I hurt you, how will we get past it? Do you like my new perfume? Should I dye my hair, or do you like my natural color? When we first wake up in the morning, will you kiss me even if I have morning breath, and touch me even though my hair is a mess? And what about our kids? I have felt God’s calling on my heart to take in foster kids sense I was a little girl, and I always assumed that the person I married would have the same calling, but what if I fall deeply and helplessly in love with someone who doesn’t have that calling? Will I have to choose? Will I make the right choice? And what about Australia? If I meet someone and fall in love before I left the country, I would drop those dreams in a heartbeat to be with my love. No doubt about it. You ARE my dream. Will I get along with your family? How will I handle it if my parents think you’re sketchy? I’m already crazy in love with you and we haven’t even met (that I know of) so I know I’m gonna be helpless once we’re actually together. What if I fall in love….and then it doesn’t work out? I give everything I have to whatever I do…so would I have anything left?

What kind of car to you drive?
Do you like interesting baby names?
Will you buy me cheese-its without me asking?
Do you like my cooking? I’d DIE if you didn’t like my cookies.
DOES ANY OF THIS EVEN MATTER?

I’m crazy. That’s official.

Why do I

Wed, 14 Sep 2011 00:25:48 -0400

let myself get hurt by things like this?
Why do I ‘let people in’ in the first place?
Why do I care, when they so obviously don’t?

I’ve been telling myself lately that the walls need to come down. I’ve been telling myself that I need to take risks, and let myself be vulnerable. Well, I did….and got bit in the ass for it. THIS is why I don’t trust people, yeah? ‘Cause I get burned.

I let someone in, just a couple layers deeper, let myself trust someone that I called “friend”, and was reminded of why this is not a good idea. If someone’s a jerk, and I never trusted them, so what? If he’s a jerk and I DID trust him, I get hurt.

Glad to know how the system works again……thanks for nothing, man.

not that you care, but

Wed, 14 Sep 2011 00:14:26 -0400

You know, you can be a real dick sometimes, and I don’t think you give a damn.

~*Untitled*~