~*Untitled*~

Jun 04

[video]

May 13

Immortal

Oh, hey there Tomorrow, look who finally showed. Been waiting for maybe a lifetime or so. Remember that Beauty you told me to chase? Funny, how cute, well it laughed in my face. He delivered alright, yeah, plenty of Pain. And gravity poured all your Law down the drain…

You taunt me, oh Time, and play with my mind. Oh my, how you wreak havoc on my mortal heart, and from the end insist on starting. Death was cured the day I died, it grew inside me my whole life. Life is lonely, my soul is old. Vintage as my hope in love immortal.

Oh, hey there Tomorrow, why not look me in the eye? Been waiting to tell if you’re Truth or a Lie.  I shout at the heavens and sing to the stars a tune that I picked up from afar. It delivered, I’ll prove it I’ve got a scar right on the place where once you broke my heart…

You taunt me, oh time, and play with my mind. Oh my, how you wreak havoc on my mortal heart, and from the end insist on starting. Death was cured the day I died, it grew inside me my whole life. Life is lonely, my soul is old. Vintage as my hope in love immortal.

Apr 27

how much sympathy is it acceptable to expect?

I am in frickin excruciating pain right now - JUST LIKE EVERY DAY -  and I don’t want to say anything because nobody likes that person who is always complaining, nobody wants to hear about the same problems over and over. It’s obnoxious. But right now I’m at my limit and - honestly - I just want someone to feel sorry for me. It’s childish. It’s selfish. AND it’s how I feel.  I am in such insane pain every second of my existence. So how much sympathy is it acceptable to expect?

Apr 26

Salty.

You know, sometimes (not always, just when I’m feeling salty) I wish that you would experience this for just one day so you’d know how I feel. Not because I would want to inflict pain on someone else, not because you deserve it or because I want you to be in pain; just so you’d know. I think you might find that youd have a bit more respect for me…

Apr 19

Gaining Ground

Broken bridges, burned down walls
With each step I take, it seems I fall
Harder every time
Further the more I try

To catch ahold of some mirage
That taunts my soul, it breaks my heart
In pieces every time
Shattered, but still I try

I’m not there yet, by any means
It’s the broken beams of my world
Keep falling down.
Boy, I’m not ahead (or so it seems)
But I’m chasing dreams
Though the days are longer
And the nights keep getting harder

One step forward, two more back
How long will it take until I lose track
Of the tears we both have cried
Of the sleepless lonely, lonely nights?

But silence can’t explain the fog
And sadness tells no truth at all
So I press harder every time
I get further, the more I try

I’m not there yet, by any means
It’s the broken beams of my world
Keep falling down.
Boy, I’m not ahead (or so it seems)
But I’m chasing dreams
Though the days are longer
And the nights keep getting harder
The days are longer
And the nights keep getting harder

I’m gaining ground
I’m gaining ground
I’m gaining ground
I’m gaining ground

I’m not there yet, by any means
It’s the broken beams of my world
Keep falling down.
Boy, I’m not ahead (or so it seems)
But I’m chasing dreams
And my prayers are longer
I’m trying harder

This is a letter to my future. I’m going to keep tweaking it as a song, but this is the general gist.

Mar 29

sick.

So the truth is, I’m sick.
The other truth is, I need help.
And another other truth is, I can’t ask for it.

This is beyond melancholy.
It’s also beyond my control.
And that’s what scares me.

If I’m not in control of my emotions, my thoughts, my feelings, is there anything I can grasp? Honestly?

I can’t have fun. I can’t enjoy myself. I can’t create, or contribute, because I’m trapped. I’m trapped underneath this cold layer of ice, pinning me down.

The truth is, I’m scared. I really am. I need you now, God.

I’ll love you in life, I will love you in death. If ever I loved you, my Jesus, ‘tis now.

Mar 26

well thats nice.

Well that’s sweet. Thanks for telling me. Thanks for keeping me informed. Thanks for valuing the time and heart I put into all this…means alot.

#irony

Mar 16

Please Just Go Away.

I’m wracking my brain trying to come up with some sort of solution. Trying to figure out something that will take the pain away. Some sort of distraction. Anything. Please….

 But inside I just keep shaking my head to each suggestion. It’ll never work. It won’t make me feel better.  This ridiculous pain, this throbbing of the heart, it won’t go away. I can’t escape it, I can’t distract myself from it, I can’t cover it up or disguise it. Not right now anyway. It’s too sharp.  It’s like a knife in my heart, tearing me up, a raw, wrenching pain in my gut.

God help me.

Mar 11

Maybe its the caffeine

or maybe I’m Bypolar. Whatever the case, I’m in a great mood today.

I spend all last night crying, got nowhere near enough sleep, and yet today I’m walking on air. Thank you, my God

For the first time in a LONG time, I’ve started seeing these dreams and ambitions for my life that can only include being single. Lately it’s been hitting me that it seems like all of my dreams, passions, talents, etc. all revolve around being a wife and mother. I don’t particularly care to have a carreer.  I love cooking, sewing, creating, organizing, and LOVING.  I am a talented chef; I specialize in comfort foods. I love children, but not just in the ‘babies are so cute’ phase that every girl goes through….I really honestly love them. I want to have a baby so bad, but the real thing is, ever since I was a little girl I’ve felt called to foster care adoption. I want to take in the children that are lost and hurting, neglected, forgotten; I want to give them a real, proper home with a mother and dad, with a hope and a future.  I’ve always felt that calling on my heart.  And in order to make that happen, I need a husband…
*Cue tall, dark, Christian young man with a stable job who wants to adopt kids*

Anybody? Anybody?

Okay…..

Guess I’ll just sit around and wait then.  Try to better myself in the mean time, get good at making chicken noodle soup and practice controling my temper.

Or how about not? How about all those other dreams I had? How about that restaurant I was going to open? How about that kids theater I was going to start? All those musicals I was going to direct? What about all those songs I wrote, the ones I still need to record. What about the road trip accross America, the camping in the woods, the appartments and mission trips and no mortgage payments and college and books to read and books to write and instruments to learn and all that LIFE I was going to live? All of a sudden I find myself wanting to say "HOLD OFF ON THE YOUNG CHRISTIAN MAN, GOD, I GOT PLANS!" 

I know this feeling won’t last long. Maybe as early as tomorrow I’ll be depressed and sluggish again.  But at least now I know. I have something to want, something to plan for.  I will break free.

oh hey.

Why do we let people disappoint us, anyway?

WELL, there goes my faith in mankind. *waves bye bye*

I keep telling myself not to trust you. Why don’t I follow my own advice?

First shock. Then pain. Now numbness. 

And then, I’ll forget. I’ll trust you again. Just like always.

Setting myself up for heartache, of course.

All in a days work.