Oh, hey there Tomorrow, look who finally showed. Been waiting for maybe a lifetime or so. Remember that Beauty you told me to chase? Funny, how cute, well it laughed in my face. He delivered alright, yeah, plenty of Pain. And gravity poured all your Law down the drain…
You taunt me, oh Time, and play with my mind. Oh my, how you wreak havoc on my mortal heart, and from the end insist on starting. Death was cured the day I died, it grew inside me my whole life. Life is lonely, my soul is old. Vintage as my hope in love immortal.
Oh, hey there Tomorrow, why not look me in the eye? Been waiting to tell if you’re Truth or a Lie. I shout at the heavens and sing to the stars a tune that I picked up from afar. It delivered, I’ll prove it I’ve got a scar right on the place where once you broke my heart…
You taunt me, oh time, and play with my mind. Oh my, how you wreak havoc on my mortal heart, and from the end insist on starting. Death was cured the day I died, it grew inside me my whole life. Life is lonely, my soul is old. Vintage as my hope in love immortal.
I am in frickin excruciating pain right now - JUST LIKE EVERY DAY - and I don’t want to say anything because nobody likes that person who is always complaining, nobody wants to hear about the same problems over and over. It’s obnoxious. But right now I’m at my limit and - honestly - I just want someone to feel sorry for me. It’s childish. It’s selfish. AND it’s how I feel. I am in such insane pain every second of my existence. So how much sympathy is it acceptable to expect?
You know, sometimes (not always, just when I’m feeling salty) I wish that you would experience this for just one day so you’d know how I feel. Not because I would want to inflict pain on someone else, not because you deserve it or because I want you to be in pain; just so you’d know. I think you might find that youd have a bit more respect for me…
Broken bridges, burned down walls With each step I take, it seems I fall Harder every time Further the more I try
To catch ahold of some mirage That taunts my soul, it breaks my heart In pieces every time Shattered, but still I try
I’m not there yet, by any means It’s the broken beams of my world Keep falling down. Boy, I’m not ahead (or so it seems) But I’m chasing dreams Though the days are longer And the nights keep getting harder
One step forward, two more back How long will it take until I lose track Of the tears we both have cried Of the sleepless lonely, lonely nights?
But silence can’t explain the fog And sadness tells no truth at all So I press harder every time I get further, the more I try
I’m not there yet, by any means It’s the broken beams of my world Keep falling down. Boy, I’m not ahead (or so it seems) But I’m chasing dreams Though the days are longer And the nights keep getting harder The days are longer And the nights keep getting harder
I’m wracking my brain trying to come up with some sort of solution. Trying to figure out something that will take the pain away. Some sort of distraction. Anything. Please….
But inside I just keep shaking my head to each suggestion. It’ll never work. It won’t make me feel better. This ridiculous pain, this throbbing of the heart, it won’t go away. I can’t escape it, I can’t distract myself from it, I can’t cover it up or disguise it. Not right now anyway. It’s too sharp. It’s like a knife in my heart, tearing me up, a raw, wrenching pain in my gut.
or maybe I’m Bypolar. Whatever the case, I’m in a great mood today.
I spend all last night crying, got nowhere near enough sleep, and yet today I’m walking on air. Thank you, my God…
For the first time in a LONG time, I’ve started seeing these dreams and ambitions for my life that can only include being single. Lately it’s been hitting me that it seems like all of my dreams, passions, talents, etc. all revolve around being a wife and mother. I don’t particularly care to have a carreer. I love cooking, sewing, creating, organizing, and LOVING. I am a talented chef; I specialize in comfort foods. I love children, but not just in the ‘babies are so cute’ phase that every girl goes through….I really honestly love them. I want to have a baby so bad, but the real thing is, ever since I was a little girl I’ve felt called to foster care adoption. I want to take in the children that are lost and hurting, neglected, forgotten; I want to give them a real, proper home with a mother and dad, with a hope and a future. I’ve always felt that calling on my heart. And in order to make that happen, I need a husband… *Cue tall, dark, Christian young man with a stable job who wants to adopt kids*
Guess I’ll just sit around and wait then. Try to better myself in the mean time, get good at making chicken noodle soup and practice controling my temper.
Or how about not? How about all those other dreams I had? How about that restaurant I was going to open? How about that kids theater I was going to start? All those musicals I was going to direct? What about all those songs I wrote, the ones I still need to record. What about the road trip accross America, the camping in the woods, the appartments and mission trips and no mortgage payments and college and books to read and books to write and instruments to learn and all that LIFE I was going to live? All of a sudden I find myself wanting to say "HOLD OFF ON THE YOUNG CHRISTIAN MAN, GOD, I GOT PLANS!"
I know this feeling won’t last long. Maybe as early as tomorrow I’ll be depressed and sluggish again. But at least now I know. I have something to want, something to plan for. I will break free.
If you can taste colors on your tongue If you hear a symphony sweet Let it come, Let it come
If you can stand tall, life your hands to the sky If life you can reach, Don’t you dare pass it by Pass it by
Remember, now, when the day is clear How it felt when hope was as clear As a heartbeat, a spoken prayer The colors in the air
If you know the words, sing them out loud If you know the steps, girl dance you way through the crowd Don’t slow down, Don’t slow down.
Remember, now, when the day is clear How it felt when hope was as clear As a heartbeat, a spoken prayer The colors in the air Remember while your heart is free What it meant to exist, to be When the sun rose without fail The colors in the air
Music? Where’d you go bud…please get back into my life. I made a chair. Well, I painted it and make a new cushion. That’s a start. Lyrics haven’t been coming to me lately. My emotionally creativity is zero. This is no good. This is a bad sign.
Later, I’ll write a song about all this. Not right now. Never when I’m still stuck. But later, I will. Some time, when I can see more clearly than I can now, the Words will flow out of me, painting a picture of the hurt and triumph that shocks even me. Some time….I’ll see…
Everything is abstract. I’m abstract. You’re abstract. Life is abstract.
Maybe this seems completely random and unrelated. Truth is, the random, abstract things in life are the only things that feel real anymore.
A Deep Thinker. Prone not only to entertaining an unusual amount of philisophical ponderings but to applying the outcomes of her musing to everyday life.
One Bought at a Price, Paid in True Love.
A Quiet Spirit…who has heard a great symphony. A quiet spirit listens, and perceives, rather than making noise and demanding to be heard. A quiet spirit is both restless and at peace. A quiet spirit hears, and wants to understand.
A Creation. Beautiful, and intentional.
The Tide. Ever changing, always the same.
A Creative Mind. A creative type.
A Silly Heart. The silly hearted are prone to laughter and appreciate sarcasm. They are easily amused and difficult to discourage. They look for the light in dark hearts the hidden joy on dreery days.
An Old Soul…in a young body, who sees life for more than the present moment and seeks understanding beyond the obvious.
Yeah. So I’m really sick. And I’m really lonely. But I have hope. And I have some amazing friends. And my God is….well, God. So I’ll be okay.
I’ve been keeping a journal with letters, songs, prayers, etc to give to my husband some day. And I think I’ve written more in the past month than I had in the last year. Yeah. You’ve been on my mind a bit, darling.
It used to be when I thought about being in love with someone I would imagine the kind of personality traits I would need in a partner, like hard, stable character issues, not just trivial stuff. I would think about how I needed someone secure in himself, someone confident, and how he would be the leader for our family, and I would do my very best to honor and support him. And I’d think about baby names and what our house would look like and how we’d grow old together, get marriage councelling f we needed it, and pass on our secrets to the next generation. I never really thought about details.
And now all of a sudden I’m haunted by all these questions…there’s so much to relationships, I’m realizing. And now I want to know…what is your love language? Will you understand mine? And what about our appology languages? If I hurt you, how will we get past it? Do you like my new perfume? Should I dye my hair, or do you like my natural color? When we first wake up in the morning, will you kiss me even if I have morning breath, and touch me even though my hair is a mess? And what about our kids? I have felt God’s calling on my heart to take in foster kids sense I was a little girl, and I always assumed that the person I married would have the same calling, but what if I fall deeply and helplessly in love with someone who doesn’t have that calling? Will I have to choose? Will I make the right choice? And what about Australia? If I meet someone and fall in love before I left the country, I would drop those dreams in a heartbeat to be with my love. No doubt about it. You ARE my dream. Will I get along with your family? How will I handle it if my parents think you’re sketchy? I’m already crazy in love with you and we haven’t even met (that I know of) so I know I’m gonna be helpless once we’re actually together. What if I fall in love….and then it doesn’t work out? I give everything I have to whatever I do…so would I have anything left?
What kind of car to you drive? Do you like interesting baby names? Will you buy me cheese-its without me asking? Do you like my cooking? I’d DIE if you didn’t like my cookies. DOES ANY OF THIS EVEN MATTER?
let myself get hurt by things like this? Why do I ‘let people in’ in the first place? Why do I care, when they so obviously don’t?
I’ve been telling myself lately that the walls need to come down. I’ve been telling myself that I need to take risks, and let myself be vulnerable. Well, I did….and got bit in the ass for it. THIS is why I don’t trust people, yeah? ‘Cause I get burned.
I let someone in, just a couple layers deeper, let myself trust someone that I called “friend”, and was reminded of why this is not a good idea. If someone’s a jerk, and I never trusted them, so what? If he’s a jerk and I DID trust him, I get hurt.
Glad to know how the system works again……thanks for nothing, man.
A verse and a chorus. Based on a journal entry from a year ago….been swimming in my subconcious ever since. I’ll update when i finish it…..
Too late Too late to ignore Too late to restore What’s been broken in me You cannot wait When death is knocking down your door Heart torn open, raw and sore Darkness consuming
Who said to ‘live like you are dying’? They must have never died Why can’t I, why can’t I live this life Like I’m still alive I can’t keep waking up to find a darker yesterday I can’t keep existing in shades Shades of gray
This is not me. This is not my life. This is not what I had ever planned ever dreamed ever asked for.
This is the life for someone more patient than I. Someone wiser Someone who understands God’s will.
I do not have fibromyalgia. I am not confined to this sick, incompetent body. I am not too exhausted to move, or in too much pain to play. I am not so weak I can hardly walk up the stairs. I am not embarassed when I can’t do what I should be able to.
This is not me. I want my self back.
Oh God, I can’t keep asking why. I wouldn’t want to know the answer anyway. I think most days I can accept this road without questioning it. But there are still days like today……When the loss of what I thought my life would be hurts so bad. Now is when I submit. Now is when I laugh at my ruined dreams and embrace your dreams for me. Now is when it matters the least what I had planned.
It drives me nuts when people think they know all the answers. I don’t know if you noticed, but life is pretty damn complicated. I feel like if your solution is simple enough that you could come up with it in about three seconds, then you’re not digging deep enough. Anyone who claims to know all the answers doesn’t really know very much. But the person who loves God is the one whom God recognizes.
There is alot that I don’t understand. There is alot that I will NEVER understand. Not to be rude, but there’s quite a bit that you don’t get either. Christ isn’t easy. ”Where does light come from, and where does darkness go? Who has put wisdom in the mind, or who has given understanding to the heart?”
I belive in absolute Truth, and personally I think that truth doesn’t usually come in black and white. Sometimes it does. But the universe is deeper than one word answers! There’s more to it than our guesses about what God means. "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the Lord, "and my ways are far beyond anything you can imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."
God is a whole lot bigger than our brain capacity.
Being 'right' does not make us right with God. We seek him, we seek his will, and we do our best to obey. But if his plan is not clear, and in my search for answers I misunderstand what he intended, I do NOT think that that condemns me. If I see what he has said and claim that something else is truth instead, that is a completely different story. If I know his plan and choose to act differently, then YES I have done wrong. I am ignoring his truth. If I am presented with his Word and reject it, I am rejecting Him. But if I see the word, try to understand it and follow his direction, but miss something or get confused THAT, my friends, implies that I am, in fact, an imperfect being with an imperfect understanding. The Lord our God has secrets known to no one. We are not accountable for them, but we and our children are accountable forever for all that he has revealed to us, so that we may obey all the terms of these instructions.
For the record, there are things that you are preaching that you are mistaken about too. I don’t condemn you for it. We are all trying, we’re on the same team here, yeah? God is judge and He knows what is important. Who are you to condemn someone else’s servant? Their own master will judge whether they stand or fall. And with the Lord’s help, they will stand and receive his approval…Those who worship the Lord on a special day do it to honor him. Those who eat any kind of food do so to honor the Lord…and those who refuse to eat cerain foods also want to please the Lord. For we don’t live for ourselves or die for ourselves…So why do you condemn another believer? Why do you look down on another believer? Remember, we will all stand before the judgment seat of God…So lets stop condemning eachother. Decide instead to live in such a way that you will not cause another beliver to stumble and fall.
The LORD doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”
1 Corinthians 8:2 Job 38:19,36 Isaiah 55:8-9 Deuteronomy 29:29 Romans 14:4,6,7,10, and 13 1 Samuel 16:7b
"Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.
Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.
Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.
We ask You to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push into the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.”
It’s the middle of the night and I can’t fall asleep because my entire body hurts so bad. Excruciating pain shooting through my arms and legs, my stomach, my breasts, and my back. My head is throbbing.
How am I supposed to live a full life if I can’t even sleep? How am I supposed to live with purpose if I can barely function? Not just making it through the day, making it through tomorrow, and seeing what happens after that. I don’t want to just survive anymore. I don’t even need the pain to go away, honestly. I just need to have a purpose in it. I need for there to be a purpose, whether it’s in spite of the pain or because of it. I don’t care. I just need for it to be worth it.
Five years from now, I need to be able to look back on this rough time and say it was worth it. Worth it because God did something crazy. Or because I learned something spectacular. Or because because of it, I was able to help other people. SOMETHING.
Basically, I need there to be hope.
Why do you hide yourself from me, my God? I haven’t turned away from you when the storm came. I have continued to seek you when my heart screamed out in anger and bitterness. Why do you continue to refuse my plea for help? Why do you, oh great God, remain silent when I need your guidance more than ever? You are powerful. You are just. You are full of mercy and compassion. What have I, your faithful servant, your child, done that I should not deserve your grace? You made a pact with us, that if we called upon your name, you would save us. I don’t even need to be rescued from the physical pain. If this is the life you are calling me to, so be it. But why do you continue to push me away when I reach out to you? Why do you hold me at arms length instead of allowing me to feel your embrace the way I once did?
Even so, may I remain faithful. Great is thy faithfulness, mighty father. In spite of all of this, may I remain faithful to You.
My Jesus, I love thee. I know thou art mine. For thee all the follies of sin I resign. My gracious redeemer, my savior art thou. If ever I loved thee, my Jesus ‘tis now.
I love thee because thou has first loved me And purchased my pardon on calvary’s tree I love thee for wearing my thorns on thy brow If ever I loved thee, my Jesus ‘tis now.
I loved thee in life, I will love thee in death And praise thee as long as thou lendest me breath And say when the death-dew lies cold on my brow If ever I loved thee, my Jesus ‘tis now.
In mansions of glory, and endless delight I’ll ever adore thee in heaven so bright I’ll sing with the glittering crown on my brow If ever I loved thee, my Jesus…’tis now.
Today when i woke up in the morning, i WANTED to get out of bed.
If you’ve never been in a place where…for months at a time, life held no joy, no meaning, then you won’t understand the significance of this. It is huge.
If you have……then you know. You’ve been there.
I started my garden yesterday and couldn’t wait to work on it today before church. Something to look forward to? Something to care about? Something that I even care about caring about…I’ve been longing for something, anything, that would spark some kind of meaning and purpose inside me.
This is what I’ve been praying for. Small victories in the form of tomatoes. But victory all the same.
I have been living the life of a soul already dead. For the past year, I’ve been going through the motions on the outside, and slowly rotting away on the inside… Watching helplessly as my spirit withered away into broken, shamed nothingness.
Spring might just be bringing new life. Time to watch my ‘garden’ grow.
I feel like everything i say or do makes me look stupid. I feel like people just tolerate me. Like they’re secretly judging my every move behind their fake smiles. I feel like crap. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m just gonna shut up and not talk then. Not let anybody in. See how well it’s paying off….I should just stop trying. Stop making myself look dumb to people who’s opinions i actually care about. Or maybe I should just stop caring about anyone. We’ll see.
*Spoiler Warning: The Following Content May Contain Levels of Self-Pity Inappropriate for the Optimistic*
I’m irritated. And pissy. And ticked off at life. And ticked off at people. And ticked off at having to live up to peoples’ expectations. And ticked off at being judged wherever i turn by people who haven’t got a damn clue or the damn right to judge anyone. Dammit. I’m sick of myself. I’m sick of life. I’m sick of school and work and my family and even my friends sometimes. The friends that I never see any more, because of SCHOOL WORK AND FAMILY. It’s all a big circle, my dear. And I’m sick of being sick. I hate being tired. I hate being depressed. I hate being controled by my circumstances and not being able to step out of my situation and see clearly, to love life in spite of itself. That’s what I want to do. I just want to love life. I want to be inspired and MOTIVATED. I’m not. I’m really really not. I’m apathetic. And I care JUST enough to let it bug the hell out of me, but not enough to change it.
I’m on a new treatment for the pain/depression, and so far it’s okay. I’ve dropped almost ten pounds in one week from it making me sick and stuff. But the side effects haven’t been as bad as I was afraid of. And then today I read all this stuff from people who have taken this drug before and they all were saying how it’s great at first and then it gets really bad. And the withdrawl symptoms if you stop taking it are even worse than the side effects apparently. GREAT. I’m screwed either way. I’d LOVE to get freakin addicted to a drug that makes me sick. Sounds like an awesome way to spend the rest of my life.
That was sarcasm, love.
Speaking of love. Any time you feel like showing up, I’ll be here. I know I’m not exactly loveable. But I am good at loving other people. Maybe that’s worth something. Maybe. Maybe this is all there is for me…maybe this is it. Something please inspire me.
GOD, I know you can hear all this. I know you see me and I know you care. I know you love me. Any time you feel like showing up, I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere just because I’m angry and cynical. No worries. Nothing’s changed there. I’ll still keep trying to do right by you and stuff. But I’m REALLY not feeling it. So, whatever it’s worth, I’m yours. Take it or leave it, but I can’t really pretend I have a ton to offer.
Where were you when all that I hoped for, Where were you when all that I dreamed, came crashing down in shambles around me…you were on the cross.-matt maher
Today is hope. Today is standing in the rain, standing my ground . Running through a glorious downpour and soaking in the cool drops like new life for a parched soul. Today is knowing that no one else can feel it for me, and only i can let it in. Today is not caring about the pain, and craving this some newly discovered purpose. Today is going grocery shopping and buying tons of fresh fruit and veg simply because. Today is looking in a rhetorical mirror and recognizing the flaws, and wanting to be more beautiful. Today is fasting. Today is beauty. Today is faith for the future.
-People grow and people change. You lose who you are, and find you the same. Colors fade, and the rings change. Everything you knew once fades.
This is crazy awesome. Just letting you know. It is. I really related to this stuff already but even if i didn’t i think i would have to after reading this cause it’s so straight and fresh. Really beautiful, chelle. I love the poeticness (? lol).
To get away. To die. To live. To drive and not stop. To sleep and never wake up. To punch someone. To light something on fire and watch it burn. To cry. To never cry again. To care. To feel. To hurt. To rejoice. To STOP HURTING. To stop being tired. To wake up. For everyone to shut up. For people to just go away. For someone to stay. To get away.
I have a hit list….Guess who’s name is on the top of the list?
Just got the “you’re doing too much and stretching yourself too thin” lecture. Again.
Only how can that be…when I don’t even want to do anything?
I don’t even have the drive to wake up on time for work, to write a paper for class, or to clean my car out. I don’t feel like being alive. How can I be working too hard when I don’t even want to work at all. What is worth working for? I’m not accomplishing anything. I don’t care about anything. I just want to sleep.